2 weeks and counting!

 Hi friends! 

I’m so sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written an update about Olivia -- it has not been for lack of excitement! We have unfortunately been dealing with a lot of stuff at school and at home with Jordan, and it’s taken all of our attention. Thankfully things have mostly resolved, and we are headed in the right direction, but the last 6 weeks have definitely been a struggle, and we needed to take a step back from a few things in order to meet the needs of our son. Thank you for your understanding!

Now with that said, we leave 2 weeks from today to go get our girl!!!! Eeek!

We can’t even begin to tell you how excited we are to finally meet our daughter, and I truthfully can’t believe the time is here. Since we’ve only been able to get updates on her every 3 months, it’s been much harder on our emotions than we thought. BUT our last update showed that she’s made great progress in her growth and motor skills, and she is walking! We were so excited when we got the sweet video of her, and Paul and I were both in tears watching her walk and babble. It was something we have been nervous about, knowing her medical condition, but it was such a joy and relief when we saw how good she was doing!

We already have such a divine peace about her becoming our third child and acclimating into our family, and it has been such a beautiful progression of God’s grace on our lives. The boys are definitely coming around to the idea. Sebastian just told me yesterday, “I’m a little nervous, but mostly excited!“ which totally melted my heart. Jordan on the other hand, is much more wary, but definitely talking about her a lot more and verbalizing some affection for her, so we’ll take it!

We know it will be a huge transition home for all of us, but we are trusting God to be in the details, and do what we can’t. It’s definitely a challenge to think about all the variables that are in front of us, especially coming home right at Christmas time; however we are excited to begin this new season of our lives, and welcome a new little one into the fold of a family – and it’s even better that it’s ours <3

Our time in China will be quite the dichotomy from our adoption in Uganda. We will have a translator and guide with us at all times, we will be staying in nicer hotels, we will have everything planned out and our itinerary taken care of. All of our major meetings are already set, and we have a return ticket home! Needless to say this is drastically different than our one-way ticket to Uganda with no idea of what we would have to encounter or how long we'd be there.

We are flying out on Tuesday, November 28, and making a pit stop in Cairo, Egypt. We have some amazing friends (holla Priebs!) who live there, and we have wanted to visit for years. Our plan is to take a few days to recharge our batteries, soak up some time with our people, and decompress from the last few months. We will then fly to Beijing on Sunday, December 3, and will get custody of Olivia on Monday morning, December 4! She will then be with us the rest of our time, as we travel from North China to South China, to complete all the required paperwork. We will then fly home on Thursday evening, December 14, to arrive back in the states on Friday morning, December 15. All in all it will be a whirlwind of a trip, but we’re excited to have some quality time with Olivia before we bring her home to the craziness that are her brothers! :)

We have been so blessed by all of you, and humbled at your support, heart, generosity, kindness and love for our family. This has been a very challenging year for us on many levels, but we are learning how to trust God with all the things we can’t control, and ask for lots of help in the meantime!

Adoption is the hardest and best thing we have ever done, and we’d do it again in a heartbeat for the lives of these precious children.

Thank you for partnering with us. We covet your prayers as we embark to bring Olivia home. I will be updating the blog regularly while we are there, so feel free to follow along on our journey!

We love you all!
Bettina and Paul

Oh My Heart

Hi Friends,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. To be honest, it's been a challenging season for us, and it's been all I could do to just keep moving forward. 

I'm sure so many of you are thinking, "why is it always so hard?" 

Well friends, while adoption is THE MOST beautiful thing I have ever done, it's also more difficult than I could ever express in words. This month is adoption awareness month, and while I do need to update you on the status of things, I also wanted to take a moment and share my heart.

So many people look at adoption as a beautiful love story where we as parents rescue these children and then all this love ensues and we all live happily ever after. I can't tell you how many times people say to me, "your kids are SO LUCKY you adopted them." I'm gonna tell you like it is -- that expression makes me cringe at my innermost being. 

My kids are not lucky -- Paul and I are blessed by God with the responsibility to love, care for and take part in the healing of these incredible lives, but luck has nothing to do with it. 

My kids are not lucky -- As their momma, I would want my boys to still be in Uganda with their first families feeling cared for. 

My kids are not lucky -- They have lost everything about them. Their culture, heritage, language, family, identity and race. 

My kids are not lucky -- They have more hurt and deeper wounds than I care to admit, and it's been a constant fight for their love, safety and identity in a family that looks nothing like them.

My kids are not lucky -- When I look at their early pictures and see the emptiness behind their eyes, and I realize there are years I will never know about, and trauma that will take decades to heal from.

There's a quote I heard recently that has helped me explain this concept to people. 

Jordan

Sebastian

"Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" 

-Keith C. Griffith

Let that soak in. 

Olivia

We don't say to people in their second marriage, "Congratulations! You got divorced and then re-married! How awesome! You are so lucky! Congratulations kids on a new step mom!" 

People would think you're CRAZY. 

Yet, that's exactly what people do to my kids everyday. 

They tell them how they should feel and what emotions are appropriate based on the outside view. 

Based on the concept that adoption is love and only love.

Based on the idea that once you adopt, everyone should be happy because you all got what you wanted...my kids got a family and we got children.

All of this thinking is such an injustice to the process.

It's such an injustice to my sweet boys who have lost everything and are still trying to pick up the pieces one day at a time, and many times one hour at a time. 

It's an injustice to us as adoptive parents who are desperately trying to help our children heal, while at the same time protecting their story because it's not ours to tell. 

It's an injustice to the processing that comes slowly over time, and frequently between trauma, tears, anger, and sadness. 

It's an injustice because it fosters the idea that a life and identity can be disposable. 

While most of you see the happy posts on social media, the smiles, the dance moves and the excitement, you don't see that a lot of times those moments are a survival mode for our kids because they don't know how to process what's happening in their lives.  

You don't see the fits of rage, the hours spent on the floor in tears, or the constant rocking, holding or restraining that takes place so we all stay safe. 

There is a light that goes off in all of us in those moments, but is then followed by the little bits of redemption and healing that only come from Jesus.

As their parents, we want to take away everything that's happened to them and just give them life, healing and wholeness. But as their parents we are realizing that while a lot of healing is happening, much of it can only be healed through Jesus. Much of it they may carry with them forever, and as a parent that is the most heart-breaking thing you can imagine. 

Watching your kids suffer through pain they can't even understand yet is the slowest form of torture, but oh how beautiful the bits and pieces of LIFE are that come from those moments. 

I want you to understand that this is not a "woe is me" post. 

This is not "feel sorry for us." 

This is a real life encounter of adoption that most people don't understand and won't ever try to understand. 

This is an aspect that people won't ever see, and don't know how to relate to. 

This is creating awareness around adoption and what it means to those of us walking it day in and day out. 

What I do want you to understand is that, despite the ugly and the mess and the heart-break, this journey is 100% worth it. 

It's worth every tear, every painful experience, every unknown, and every difficult season because, while adoption is about family, it's actually about working with Jesus to restore LIFE. 

Every child DOES deserve a family regardless of gender, age, race, disability or nationality, but the true heart of adoption comes from the determination to live out the gospel.

To care for orphans in distress -- giving up your own selfish desires -- and partner with Heaven to give as much life as you can to these little hearts.

Friends, these have been the hardest and most beautiful years of my life, and through it all I wouldn't change a thing. 

Through all the hurt and frustrations and feelings of helplessness, everything we've done has brought our family closer to Jesus and closer to healing.

All those moments spent on my closet floor crying out to God for help has given me the most incredible perspective into the hearts of my children; and it's in those moments that I am transformed.

If you have ever considered adoption, whether domestically or internationally, I would love to chat with you. I know some of this sounds scary and hard, and it is, but it's also the most incredible thing you will ever do, and these children are worth it. They are worth every tear, every dollar spent, every moment of fear and every sacrifice you will make. 

It starts with a single yes and then watching as God takes the reins. This is where your life begins. 

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Today is our daughter's 2nd birthday. 

With that comes so much heartache and happiness all wrapped into one. In orphanages birthdays come and go with no celebration or acknowledgement. In fact, many of these children don't even know when their actual birth date is, which is a hard reality for both the child and the parent. Because there are so many children, caregivers are often significantly outnumbered, which means there is never enough attention to go around. 

It breaks my heart to think today will just be another day for her. 

She's not being doted on or dressed in bows and ruffles. 
She's not being told she's beautiful or loved. 
She's not eating her favorite foods or smashing a cake decorated just for her.
She's not spending the day celebrating her life surrounded by people who love her.
She's not getting rocked to sleep or snuggled when she's sad.

Instead she's sitting in an orphanage, all the way around the world, without us. 
Another day without a family.
Another day without knowing her worth.
Another day without knowing her beauty.

Waiting to adopt is a marathon -- a goal at the end of the race that you know will be worth every painful moment -- but man does it take endurance to get there. For me, the hardest part of waiting is keeping my thoughts in the present and not letting myself get too far ahead. In life I want to savor every moment -- the sound of laughter, the smiles on my boys' faces, new experiences, and the list goes on. But when part of your family is 7,000 miles away, you find it easy to wish the days away to get closer to being together. 

So the battle lies in staying present. 

In reminding myself that God's love and protection is better than anything I could offer.

In rejoicing for the beauty right in front of me, and not letting the joy in those days slip by.
One day at a time.
Only with Jesus.

Happy Birthday, Olivia! We love you so much and can't wait to have you home <3

In case you need a little more understanding: Dear Friends of Waiting Adoptive Moms

Mo Money, Less Problems

Hi All,

Just wanted to give you a quick fundraising update!

First of all, a BIG thank you to all of you who bought t-shirts from us! We love seeing you all wear them, and it's fun to have the boys here to participate in the adoption festivities this time around! We may be doing another order soon, so if you missed them the first time around, keep your eye out for round 2! They are seriously the softest thing I've ever worn, so it's worth every penny, I promise :)

At this stage of the game, we still need over $20,000 to be able to cover our fees through traveling. This number doesn't include medical costs or paperwork once we're home, but one step at a time, right? :)

Exciting news to share is we were just awarded a matching grant from Lifesong for Orphans!!! Yay!! We are hoping to raise $5,000 for the month of July! If we could get this total in, it would be a HUGE sigh of relief for us, and would cover the next 2 payments. I have included the link below, so if you are able to contribute, please do so through the MyStory link so we can keep all of our donations tracked accurately. We are believing for supernatural provision, because $23,000 in the next 3 months sounds super scary, but our God is not one of limitations, so let's do this!

My Story Contribution Page for Matching Grant

Thank you all again for your never-ending support and generosity! 

Olivia thanks you too!

Hugs,

The Waiting Game

Sweet friends,

I wanted to give you an update on all parts of our life as well as outline our adoption timeline for Olivia. I can't promise to be brief, but hopefully you'll bear with me :)

In regards to our adoption we are moving steadily along. We just completed our dossier paperwork (basically our entire lives in 16 documents and a total of $3,000), and have now sent it off to our agency to be reviewed and translated. Once that's complete they will send it to China and it will get logged into their system. Once that happens we will get a document letting us know that we are officially approved to adopt her, which will then trigger our next set of paperwork (yay!). Below is a visual which outlines the basic document process. Our agency is anticipating we will travel in November to go get her, but we're hopeful it could be sooner if things progress as they should. We got some new pictures and videos of her that completely melt our heart. Every time we see her we picture our first meeting, and we get chills thinking about the fact that one more child will be loved and placed into a family.

With that said, this is where the emotions really start to get raw. In the paperwork stage, the waiting is hard, but there is something tangible to work towards. There are checklists and signatures and notarizations and copies and fingerprints, and the list goes on. But when it's done and submitted, that's when the waiting becomes excruciating. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a planner. I have spreadsheets and to-do lists everywhere and I get the job done. So having to relinquish those things and wait for someone else to complete them is torture. At least in the paperwork phase we're distracted; we want her home and feel her absence, but the endless amount of checklists keep us feeling like we're moving forward. But when the paperwork is done that feeling of longing intensifies significantly. Over the last few weeks Paul and I have looked at each other and felt the deep sadness for our daughter to be home. The thought of her in a crib most of the day with minimal love or affection breaks our hearts. Children should not be in institutions, they should be in families, and it drives me crazy to think that the only thing stopping her from coming home is 100 pieces of paper. The ache is real, more real than I could ever express in words, and our family won't be whole until she's home. Once you say yes to a child they become a part of you. They weave themselves so deep into your heart, and it's all you can do to keep your emotions and heart in check. We talk about her everyday and pray for her every night. Our boys discuss what they will teach her and how pretty she'll look in her dresses. We discuss new routines and what it will look like when she's home. We talk about the beauty of her eyes and love in her heart, despite the red and blue of her skin. We dream - of our family together, of the life she'll lead, of the impact she'll make, of the worth and beauty she'll feel. It's so hard, but in the waiting God continues to give us peace. He continues to show us His love. He continues to point us toward Him. One day at a time, one step at a time...We're comin' for ya soon sweet girl!

On the flip side, in our own home, we are still working through Jordan's diagnosis of PANS and what that looks like. We have now done 2 courses of antibiotics, but his IgG numbers are still very high. When he finished the first course of antibiotics we took him off for 1.5 weeks, and we saw a stark regression in his behaviors, which was extremely discouraging. At this stage his symptoms are much better managed, but there are still many days where the trauma and illness is REAL. 

If I'm being honest, I'm a little scared to finish this next course of treatment, because if things haven't improved I'm not really sure what the next step is. We are still pursuing every holistic option we can, but it feels very overwhelming most of the time. Right now he's taking a mix of 8 meds/supplements in the morning and 5 in the afternoon. We are researching treatment options, longevity of symptoms, prognosis, and specialists in Virginia. Needless to say it's been a lot. 

While things have been improving since he's been on meds, it's still often a question as to how the day will go. I hate to admit this, but I am often nervous before picking him up from school, because I never quite know what the day will hold. Despite continuing to pray for his healing daily, I still find myself tense and nervous that the trauma will surface and the day for me will be done. While Jordan often bounces back in an hour or so, I sometimes need 1-2 days before I feel back to normal. Last week I was talking to Jordan's counselor and he used the analogy of getting hit by wave after wave in the ocean. When you're on watch for them and expecting them, it feels easier. You get used to the impact and your body preps for it, so then when it hits you, you're ready. It's when you're not expecting it, or when it comes out of no where, that's when the shock happens. So when we first came home, I expected the trauma. I expected it to be hard and messy. I expected there to be lots of struggle. I expected the constant need for intention and love and protection. But his counselor was confirming that when parents experience an improvement in behavior they let their guard down a bit, and then when the trauma episode happens they're not as equipped emotionally and it takes much longer to recover. YES. EXACTLY. He was spot on. And while this doesn't change the emotion behind it for me, it was incredibly reassuring that I wasn't experiencing something abnormal for this scenario. It's just going to take more time. More healing. More growth. More redemption. One day at a time.

Please continue to keep our sweet boy in your prayers. He is improving and growing and changing in so many ways, but the healing that still needs to take place is extensive. I have no doubt that he will be a world-changer however God leads him, but right now, he just needs love. He needs the constant reassurance that he's safe. He needs to know we're never going to leave him. He needs to know he's a part of our family forever and nothing will change that. I often think to him, "why won't you just let us love you?" And then I think about his past, and I remind myself that allowing himself to let us in is a risk for him. Allowing himself to let us simply love him is scary. Allowing himself to open up and be vulnerable is something he's never learned to do. So OF COURSE he would respond this way. He's never felt safe, so why would getting new parents and moving half-way across the world change that? And then I think that this is exactly how God must feel for us. He just wants us to draw near to Him. To trust Him. To allow Him to love us. And yet, we still struggle almost daily with that. So if I, who was raised in a loving home and nurtured from birth, can't 100% of the time relinquish myself over to Jesus, why should Jordan do that for us? So you see, it's a constant struggle. A struggle between emotion and logic. A struggle to simply meet Jordan where he is and love him exactly how he is in that moment. A struggle to not feel the need to change the behaviors that he's established to protect himself. Only with Jesus, friends.

So while I share all of this hard with you, my faithful readers, I will leave you with the beauty in it all.

I read a quote recently that said, "I am afraid of missing the beautiful grace God wants to show me in the midst of the uncomfortable." -- Joy Forney

This hit me hard. Really hard.

Since day 1 of landing on Ugandan soil for our adoption, almost 2 years ago, God has been doing a mighty work in our family. It has been equally messy and redeeming, but it has never been easy. We have been constantly fighting one battle or the next and having to trust God with everything we are, every step of the way. Everyday is a new opportunity, and so often I let myself get lost in the trauma and don't see the redemption.

When I look back on this time I realize how many times I let beauty pass.
How many times I've let my thoughts get the best of me. 

How many times I've believed the lies of inadequacy and fear.
How many times I've let the negativity overshadow the joy.

However, Paul and I have been praying for a while that God would use us in ways that are uncomfortable - and now here we are - smack dab in the middle of a beautiful life filled with way more grace than we deserve. And while it's been a labor of love and sacrifice in more ways than I ever imagined, I wouldn't change any of it, because it's given me a glimpse of just how fiercely our God loves us. It's taught me how to trust more, love deeper, spread more kindness, and to approach people with more grace and less judgement.

I realize that in the midst of being uncomfortable, God is changing us...molding us...stretching us...and I don't want to miss it. I don't want to be the reason I miss out on God's plan for my life. So we continue to say yes to the hard things. We continue to trust God even in the midst of chaos. We continue to see the beauty that's being revealed in front of us. We continue to allow God to deepen our capacity. Especially when it's uncomfortable. So take heart, friends, it's all worth it.

We can't thank you enough for your love and support. We couldn't do this without you.

The Best Yes

Being a dad is hard work. Being a good dad is even more difficult. Being the best dad feels impossible. 

Before I was a dad, I would have told you how hard my job was, how much time and energy it took, how mentally tough it was, and how it felt thankless at times. Being a dad puts all that into perspective. Being a great dad takes so much time, effort, mental fortitude, compassion, grace, and patience. As much as I want being a dad to be natural, I have to be unbelievably intentional with my kids. Don't misunderstand me, I love my kids so much and it is a natural love, but the acting in a loving manner takes a lot of effort. I have to constantly remind myself of the importance of how I act, react, speak to and speak about my kids. Kids are hard work. I want to choose laying on the couch over crawling around like an animal or watching TV over letting my kids jump on me, but for me, those are incredibly important decisions for kids. They need to be constantly reminded of how valuable they are, how much I love them and that their lives matter. I want my kids to know they are going to have an impact on the world, in their own way and in their own style.

Parenting kids who are adopted is different, not bad, just different. Most adopted kids have spent days, weeks, months, years not knowing they are loved. They have histories we know nothing about. They have clearly had horrific experiences that we only get glimpses into based on their current behavior and reactions to situations. I spend a lot of time trying to determine if their behavior is because they're a certain age, or because their background or because they have something else going on, but honestly, it doesn't matter. Kids just want to know they are loved, will always be loved and are important, no matter what. I get asked the question almost everyday, "Dad, you'll never stop loving me?", and of course I respond, "I'll never stop loving you bud, no matter what." But I'm thinking, "Duuuuude, what do you think has changed in the last 12 hours?! You know I love you kid!!" He just wants to hear it. They want to know their mom and dad are here and are never leaving.

What parenting has also given me is a deeper relationship with God. I've needed his grace, guidance and patience more than ever before. I make parenting mistakes daily, sometimes I realize them in the moment, sometimes it takes a conversation with someone for me to recognize where I went wrong, sometimes I don't realize it for months. Regardless, God's grace is waiting for me. I have learned a lot about personal sacrifice as a parent, spending a majority of time doing things I "don't want to do," then realizing how wrong that attitude is. When we plan our future, we skip over the day to day, the tough decisions, the hard times and think about the upcoming weekend or vacation or retirement and how great they will be. What God has taught me is your best memories are forged in the day to day, when you choose to do something that isn't meant to be "fun," when you say yes to helping someone (including your kids!), even if you don't feel like it. Those are where great memories are made.

For the dads out there: I used to think I knew everything, that I would always have the answers, but now I realize I have so much to learn and great people to learn from. Embrace those relationships. We aren't meant to do this alone. Lean into those around you and share your heart with them. Don't be scared of being judged or spend your days worrying if the parenting decisions you are making are right. There's no corporate ladder to climb as a dad, you are the only one qualified for the job, so put aside your pride. Ask for help and advice. Parenting isn't a formula with one right answers, so learn from one another and figure out how it can work in your family. Being a dad just might be the most difficult thing you do in life. Don't hide behind your job or hobbies and forget to be a dad first. I'm not saying don't have hobbies or to not spend time away from your kids, I'm asking you to look into your heart and recognize when and why you are choosing other activities over your family. I've struggled with this from day one, but some of the most rewarding times in my life have been when I chose to spend time with my kids and just be. You don't need all sorts of toys or games or events to go to, just say yes to them, allow yourself to be part of the little world around them and watch their faces light up with joy. And if that's not enough, be a great husband too. Take care of your wife, recognize the things she is going through and be there to support her. Make quality time a priority and come with flowers, chocolates, cookie dough or whatever brings a big smile to her face. Don't ever forget you're a team - she's on your side and you need her there.

My family is amazing, and so is yours. God has a great plan for all of us, it just involves a lot of difficult yeses. Those yeses are so rewarding and will cause you to grow in ways you didn't think possible. You'll look back and wonder how you got to where you are, how your mind has shifted into a much better place and how much more capacity you have to love others. We said yes and now I have the absolute privilege of parenting two amazing little boys. We have learned a ton, been pushed in ways I would have said no to if given the choice, but look back and realize those are the experiences that have put Olivia in our lives. Come November (we pray), after 10 months of knowing her and finally getting to meet her, I so look forward to holding her in my arms, telling her I love her, instilling in her every day how beautiful she is, how amazing she is and how she is going to have a great impact on the world. I can't wait to be her dad.

Happy Father's Day. Keep being the best dad you can be.

One paper at a time

Hi Friends,

We wanted to take a moment and give you an update on our sweet daughter.

Olivia is 20 months old today, and we are so wishing we could be with her. It's been hard to know she has so many needs that we can't meet at this time, but we are also trusting that God is much better at that than we are!

At this stage of the game we are moving along well in our paperwork process. We have completed our home study and our initial welcome packet for our agency, both of which get everything rolling. We have also submitted our I-800A form to USCIS for immigration and are waiting for our fingerprint appointment and ultimately our immigration approval. Once we have this, we will be able to submit our dossier (basically our entire lives in paper format) to China for full approval. I have been diligently working on our dossier paperwork every week, but now we're waiting on other people to get their part done, so it's all in God's timing.

The worst part about the paperwork is the financial side of things. We're estimating around $2,000 just for paperwork requests, verifications, authentications and mailings, which doesn't include any part of our other fees. It's so frustrating to see how quickly this all adds up, but we know it's needed, so we try to not let it get to us. One paper at a time :)

On Friday, I spoke with our case manager for quite a while on the phone, and it was helpful to hear her thoughts and insight on the process. At this time she feels our timeline to travel will be closer to November, which is a little later than expected, but still in the normal range. Based on how things are moving, we still have a few things we will need to get done before we'll get our travel approval from China, but we are trusting that God's timing will be perfect.

We have started to receive some donations of clothes and shoes from people, and it's been so fun to have little girl things to organize! We still have a lot to do for her room, but are hoping to get things done this Summer.

The boys are coming along in their acceptance of her and it's been beautiful to see them start drawing her in their family photos. Paul and I pray for her every night during our prayers with them, and it's been neat to see God working on their hearts toward her. We know it may be a different story when she's here, but we are excited to see them step into the role of big brother :)

We currently have our t-shirt fundraiser going until May 28, and have a few more in the works, so keep your eyes peeled!
- Short Sleeve: https://www.booster.com/bringoliviahome
- Baseball Tee: https://www.booster.com/bringoliviahome2

We can't thank you all enough for your continued love and support, and we are so blessed by your friendship.

Here's to bringing Olivia home!

Beauty from Ashes

Hi all, Bettina here.

I actually started writing this post about 3 weeks ago, but I couldn't get my words out well enough to actually sound coherent, so I stopped. I stopped trying to process it all. I stopped trying to make sense of it all. I just stopped. 

Typically writing helps me decompress and find my voice, but this time around it was all I could do to get words out. My journals have been plastered with tears and prayers that all sound the same. Redundant, messy and desperate. So you can understand more of why I stopped trying to write to all of you.

You see friends, we have been in the trenches for the last 12 weeks. We have been huddled down, crying out to God, and trusting that His plan is really, truly perfect in every way. 

There have been ebbs and flows of the emotions. 

There have been laughs and tears in equal measure. 

There have been days where I felt I couldn't go on.

There have been days when I couldn't imagine my life any other way.

While it always seems repetitive to say out loud, we have been in the trenches with our sweet Jordan. Not only have we be trying to sort out all the garbage from his past, but in the meantime, he was diagnosed with PANS which stands for Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome. PANS is when an infectious trigger creates a misdirected immune response which results in inflammation on a child’s brain. In turn, the child quickly begins to exhibit life changing symptoms such as OCD, severe restrictive eating, anxiety, personality changes, irritability, aggression and/or severely oppositional behaviors, developmental regression, deterioration in school performance, sensory or motor abnormalities and/or somatic signs and symptoms, including sleep disturbances, enuresis or urinary frequency. 

Our sweet Jordan has been exhibiting all of these symptoms consistently and with only mild reprieve. 

To put it in perspective, his blood levels outlining this syndrome were 13x what they should be. While a normal reading for his blood markers should be less than 100, Jordan's read 1,319. Gulp. 

While I knew there was something going on, and had taken him to the doctor 3 weeks prior to this diagnosis, all of his initial testing (not blood work) came back negative. So when I took him back to his specialist and she did the test, I felt relieved that there was a reason for all the crazy, but so sad that he's been sick without us knowing. 

You see, Jordan doesn't really manifest physical symptoms when he's sick. The only reason I typically know he's sick and take him to the doctor is when he has severe changes in sensory behaviors and when he stops sleeping at night. There are no fevers, no pain complaints, no typical signs and symptoms. It is a mama's intuition and God's prompting that allows us to even know there is something happening inside him. 

So while some of his behaviors have been from a physical change on the inside, this syndrome has only enhanced his normal stress and anxiety that come from his past. 

I'm sure it's hard for most of you to understand, especially without knowing him as well as we do, but there are seasons of Jordan that just make life SO. INCREDIBLY. HARD. I love my sweet boy more than I could ever express. He has changed us and made us better in more ways than I could write, but oh the story God is writing in our lives through him. While the last couple weeks have been better, there are still days...like today...that come out of nowhere and remind me why it's so important to never give up.

Today wrecked me.

It was like I was transported back to the red dirt of Uganda. 

Back to the thick of our boys' trauma. 

Back to all the heartache and fears that we started with. 

Back to fighting with every ounce of my being for the heart of my son.

Trauma is ugly.

It's an invisible pain that takes root and manifests itself in ways I never thought possible. Just when you think you're out of the woods. Just when you think things are improving. Just when you think you could actually do this. BAM. It's like someone pulls the rug out from under your feet and you're left on the floor struggling to figure out what just happened.

Today was one of those days. 

The sun was shining. 

The birds were chirping. 

The temperature was warm with a nice breeze. 

It was a beautiful day. 

But there we were, inside our home. One raging. The other scared. And this mama going between yelling, sobbing and quiet discipline to try to find any semblance of our "normal".

Once I felt the overwhelming feeling of despair come over me - after 2 straight hours of relentless love and conviction - I gave in and asked Paul to come home. Scratch that. I called Paul screaming and sobbing and told him he had to come home.

Because while I think I'm strong, I'm really not. You can only go so long in mama mode before you realize that your human mode will always be stronger. And you can only go in human mode for so long before you realize that without God you're useless.

As the venom of my son's trauma was spewing from his body and mouth, it was all I could do to stay present. 

It was all I could do to not retreat. 

It was all I could do to not give in.

It was all I could do to not give up. 

Calling Paul, made me feel so weak. I felt like I was waving my white flag and saying I can't do this. I felt like I was the most inadequate mama in the world. I felt lost.

Whenever this happens, I try to remember that this is not my sweet, kind, tender-hearted little boy. This is trauma rearing it's heinous head, and unfortunately, trauma knows just what to say and how to say it to make the cuts go deep.

In the moment, it's sometimes hard to distinguish the trauma from my son, but then when it subsides...when it passes...when the light in his eyes comes back on...it's one of the most beautiful sites in the world. 

It's the moment when my mama heart is completely broken for my child. 

It's the moment when I understand Jesus' heart for us as His children. 

It's the moment when I remember why we chose to pursue adoption in the first place.

But before that moment. 

Before the clarity. 

Before the redemption. 

I am numb. It's terrible to admit out loud, but it's the truth. This numbness is my ground zero, and it's in this place that I remember just how much I couldn't do this without Jesus.

It's these moments of inadequacy, that remind me that I am nothing without Jesus. That I have no control over this situation. None. Zero. Zilch. Jesus is the ONLY reason we can still do this day after day, and it's HIS love for our children that keeps me going.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"But he said to me, 

'My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness.'

 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

That is why, for Christ’s sake, 

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, 

in persecutions, in difficulties. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I've meditated on this verse a lot over the last 18 months, because it reminds me that my children are not mine to heal. 

They belong to Jesus. 

They are His to heal. 

They are His to redeem. 

They are His to restore.

Yes, he has entrusted us with them - and the weight of that responsibility is not lost on me - but all we actually have to do is trust Him, and He will take care of the rest.

This time with our boys has been such a journey, and while we have been working to love on their little hearts, God has been working on ours. As much as our boys have changed and grown, Paul and I have changed and grown. We have been broken down and beat up, only to be rebuilt and restored in a way we never thought possible. 

So while we've been working hard to shepherd these little lives toward Christ, it's their presence that has redeemed our hearts. 

It's their fight that has renewed our voice. 

It's their trust that has strengthened ours.

Even though it feels like trauma won the day today, tomorrow is a new day, and we will continue on this path to healing and freedom. God has sustained us every step of the way, and today is no different. 

It's in moments like these when I remember the call He gave us for these fatherless children, and why saying YES was the best decision we ever made.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will never forget the promise of God over their lives and ours.

Isaiah 61:1-3 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Some days it really does take a village, and we are so thankful to have you by our sides. 

Our Love Story

A HUGE thank you to Adopt a Love Story for helping us create our story in video form. We hope this spurs something deep within you to strive toward helping the fatherless when they need it most. The fight doesn't stop until every child is home <3

Thank you for your never ending support,

This is Madness!

Hi friends!

We just want to update you quickly on our progress and chat about our next fundraiser! And don't worry, it's just March Madness... everything with the adoption is good! :)

We continue to fall in love with our sweet girl each week, and the more we pray over her, the more she becomes a part of our family. Jordan and Sebastian definitely had a rocky start to begin with, but are coming around little by little. Jordan was especially upset and nervous about the whole situation, but he's since started telling people about his "sister baby Olivia" as well as all the things he's going to teach her (see video!). SO cute!

On the flip side, seeing Sebastian embrace the idea of being a big brother, and telling everyone about his sister has been incredible! He has such a big, tender heart, and it's really shown through in this transition. The other day Sebastian mentioned Olivia to a friend, and they were talking about the red stain on her face. When our friend asked him more intently about the stain, Sebastian replied with, "that's how God made her!" Insert big, weepy tears from this mama 😭 If that is not a parenting win, I don't know what is. We love that our boys will be able to embrace the idea of someone "different" from them, just like they often navigate this process themselves due to their own skin color. God loves all of us so deeply, no matter what we look like, and being able to impart that to our kids is life-changing.

Some nights, when the day has been crazy and our boys are a mess, we get overwhelmed thinking about how we're going to transition to 3...but then other nights we are heartbroken that she's not already here with us. Adoption is such a wild roller coaster of emotions and it's only with Jesus' help that we find some peace in the process. When we think about all these beautiful children without a home or a family, our hearts truly break. God has laid such a calling on our lives, and the more we navigate this process the more we find that promise deeply impressed upon us.

As we prepare our hearts, our boys and our home for Olivia we continue to be changed by the clarity adoption brings. When we first started the adoption for our boys, we felt so inadequate to bring home a child with needs. If I'm being completely transparent, I remember telling God that I couldn't handle a child with any intellectual disabilities (mainly because I was scared!). And then we got to Uganda and saw the needs that Jordan had, and our world was flipped upside down. Yet today we could NEVER imagine our lives without him, and both boys have brought us so much joy in being their parents.

Now fast forward to adoption #3, and we've realized just how much God has deepened our capacity to take on more. To love more...trust more...care more...give more. Adoption parenting is so intentional, and too often we find ourselves exhausted (as does any parent!), but oh how Jesus is so faithful to sustain us and provide for us. This can only be done with a partnership with Him, and we've loved seeing Him grow our family through adoption.

She's already getting things!

We're waiting for you sweet girl! Come fill your shoes!

 Now on to logistics...we are almost done with our social work visits and should have our home study complete by the end of this month. I'm concurrently working on dossier paper (which is a 3 step process for notarization, verification and authentication! Woof!), but we're plugging along and hoping to have it done by the end of April. Once that is complete we'll just be waiting for immigration approval before submitting everything to China! It's definitely tedious and time consuming, but it's been easier this time around since we've already done it twice before :) Onward and upward!

We are also about to embark on fundraiser #2, which will be a March Madness Bracket Buy In! Basically you will commit to filling out a bracket through ESPN (link will be sent separately!) for a $25 fee and then pick your teams! It's as simple as that! The winner will get a $100 cash prize, one of our adoption t-shirts (coming soon!) and bragging rights! :)

We'd love for you to share with friends and family, as our goal is to raise at least $3,000 to cover our next set of agency fees!

Thank you all so much for your love, support and prayers! This really does take a village, and we are so blessed to have you alongside us!

Love, love, love,

We Love You Baby Blue

Hi all, Bettina here. I guess I wanted to share the roller coaster of emotions that is adoption. I want you to have a glimpse of the humanity that comes from the journey. I want you to see the realness behind our story and understand that sometimes this is just plain hard.

So, things got real for me this week. On Thursday, we received updated pictures and videos of our sweet Olivia, and our hearts were overjoyed at seeing more of her personality come through. These pictures also showed the extent of her skin discoloration, and my heart broke for her. She is blue. She is blue from chest to toes, and no matter how we view her, this will be a struggle for her entire life. I feel like it's hard enough to be a girl in this day and age dealing with "normal" issues, let alone having anything different about your physical appearance.

Our Sweet Girl. 

When I look at her pictures, I see my daughter. I don't see the stain on her face. I don't see the blue on her skin. I see her smile and her determination. I see her playing with her brothers, and learning what it means to be in a family. But then I think about our world…the judgment, the harshness, the lack of acceptance that comes with anything different...and my heart breaks for her.

I'm not going to lie, after seeing her pictures this week, I once again felt that feeling of being unequipped. I once again felt the feeling of inadequacy. I felt the weight of the responsibility that comes with raising a child, and more specifically a child with needs. But then I remembered that I don't need to do this alone. I remembered that we serve a mighty God who will not only carry my daughter through tougher seasons, but He will carry me through as well. I remembered how my primary goal as her mama is to impart value, worth, beauty and love into her life all while pointing her toward Jesus. I remembered that even though God chose me to be her mom, He is her ultimate healer. He will be the one to sustain her through her trials. He will be the one to comfort her in times of frustration or sadness. He will be the one to unlock her purpose and calling.

I'm slowly realizing that even though she's different, God can use her differences as a testimony of His goodness. That even though she's different, God can use her to be a world-changer. That maybe BECAUSE of her differences, she will make a bigger impact than I could ever imagine.

My heart is full thinking about her life and all the dreams I have for her, but in the meantime, I wait. I pray. I trust that Gods plan is much better than my own, and I continually give her over to Jesus.

Even as I write this I can't help but smile knowing that, in spite of her appearance and medical diagnoses, she is so loved already. She has already found a place so deep in our hearts and in our family. She has already woven herself into the role of daughter, even from around the world.

So my sweet Olivia, may you always know how beautiful you are. May you always feel the love and acceptance of God and your family. May you always grow from trials. May you embrace your differences and use them to impact lives.

Thank you friends for following along with us on this journey. We covet your prayers and encouragement.

Outnumbered

I'm sure many of you are thinking, I can't believe they are adopting again...yet here we are beginning adoption #3, and we couldn't be happier. Things have progressed very quickly, and while Paul and I had talked and laid out plans for this year, God quickly changed that around (yet again!), and we have set our sites on China.

In the Fall of last year, we were very certain we would try to get pregnant this year. Everything made logical sense, yet I still didn't feel completely settled going this route. Earlier last year we had discussed the possibility of our next adoption and what that would look like. After a good amount of research, we narrowed down what countries and agencies we were comfortable working with, and I subscribed to many waiting child lists. Every week I would get an email sent to my inbox with a list of waiting children who were available for adoption based on our demographics and needs. Every week I looked over them and prayed, but nothing was strong enough to make us take action. But then in December, the same e-mailed I got every week, showed the picture of a little girl...and for the first time we felt a tug on our hearts. We requested her file from the agency on December 28, and while things should have felt scary, we both felt peace right off the bat. Over the next couple weeks, we asked lots of questions, prayed and talked through every scenario, but things continually just felt right. On January 4 we put her file on a 2-week hold to help give us time to make a decision. During this time, we met with many doctors to discuss her medical needs, and also asked God to give us clear signs if we were supposed to move forward with her adoption. God definitely came through, and things were confirmed for us in 3 very specific ways. Even though our talks with the doctors should have made us run the other direction, we continued to feel capable to love this little one through her needs, and answer the call to give her a family. Only with Jesus, friends.

After our 2 week hold, we only felt a stronger connection to our little girl, and we officially said YES on January 18. We also submitted our first round of paperwork the same day for the agency to look over. They approved us 2 days later and sent our paperwork to China on January 20 for pre-approval. As a complete 180 from our Uganda process, China sent us our pre-approval paperwork on Thursday, January 26...only 4 days after we submitted...which means we can officially move forward with her adoption! YAY!

At this stage of the game we have submitted our home study paperwork and are beginning the initial stages of our social work visits. I am also simultaneously working on our dossier paperwork, which we will submit after our home study is complete. So in the waiting and never-ending paperwork, we pray over her life and her healing.

We will be naming our sweet girl, Olivia, which is a name that has been meaningful to me for quite some time. She is 17 months old, and will turn 2 in September! When we see her picture we can't help but smile, and she has already stolen our hearts in more ways than one. Olivia has been diagnosed with 2 possible syndromes. The first is Sturge-Weber syndrome (3 different types) which includes a port-wine stain on the face, glaucoma, and a possibility of neurological symptoms including weakness on one side of the body and seizures. We know she has the port-wine stain and glaucoma in her left eye, however she has no neurological involvement at this time. Every doctor we spoke with here in the states has said it can only be a confirmed diagnosis with an MRI of the brain, which she has not received. So at this time we have requested that one be performed (if possible!) to try to get a better picture of what this could look like down the road. 

The other diagnosis she could potentially have is called PPV (phakomatosis pigmentovascularis). This is characterized by a bluish hue on the skin and could be accompanied by glaucoma, skeletal abnormalities and neurological involvement. Both diagnoses are rare, but since they have some overlapping features it's hard to know if she has both or one vs. the other. She does have the blue hue on her upper body, but we have also requested some full body pictures to see the extent of the staining. While we know this will be a long road, medically speaking, we are trusting God every step of the way, and we know He won't let us down. We have clearly been called to adopt, and despite our yearly plans of what we think our lives should look like, God continues to uproot our belief system, only to push us closer to Him and His plan for our lives. While we don't have the financial means or full capacity for what this will look like 9 months from now, we are working hard to simply say yes to God and know that He will work out the details as we go.

So without further ado, here is our sweet daughter, Olivia. 

(Please do not share anywhere on social media!)

She has already captured our hearts in more ways than we can describe, and our love is only growing with each passing day. It's crazy how you can love a child you've never met who lives all the way across the world, but oh how we do. Our boys are definitely struggling to wrap their heads around this new change, but they are slowly understanding what it will mean to be a big brother. 

We are SO excited for our family to once again grow through adoption, and we know without a doubt, that this is what we are meant to do. Paul and I are a bit nervous to be outnumbered by our kids, but I guess that's what keeps life exciting :)

Thank you all for journeying with us once again. We hope to travel as early as September, but were told it could be as late as December or January. We will keep you posted on our timeline as we hear back. We can't wait to bring her home and embrace the title of Stevens Party of Five!

Hugs,