We Love You Baby Blue

Hi all, Bettina here. I guess I wanted to share the roller coaster of emotions that is adoption. I want you to have a glimpse of the humanity that comes from the journey. I want you to see the realness behind our story and understand that sometimes this is just plain hard.

So, things got real for me this week. On Thursday, we received updated pictures and videos of our sweet Olivia, and our hearts were overjoyed at seeing more of her personality come through. These pictures also showed the extent of her skin discoloration, and my heart broke for her. She is blue. She is blue from chest to toes, and no matter how we view her, this will be a struggle for her entire life. I feel like it's hard enough to be a girl in this day and age dealing with "normal" issues, let alone having anything different about your physical appearance.

Our Sweet Girl. 

When I look at her pictures, I see my daughter. I don't see the stain on her face. I don't see the blue on her skin. I see her smile and her determination. I see her playing with her brothers, and learning what it means to be in a family. But then I think about our world…the judgment, the harshness, the lack of acceptance that comes with anything different...and my heart breaks for her.

I'm not going to lie, after seeing her pictures this week, I once again felt that feeling of being unequipped. I once again felt the feeling of inadequacy. I felt the weight of the responsibility that comes with raising a child, and more specifically a child with needs. But then I remembered that I don't need to do this alone. I remembered that we serve a mighty God who will not only carry my daughter through tougher seasons, but He will carry me through as well. I remembered how my primary goal as her mama is to impart value, worth, beauty and love into her life all while pointing her toward Jesus. I remembered that even though God chose me to be her mom, He is her ultimate healer. He will be the one to sustain her through her trials. He will be the one to comfort her in times of frustration or sadness. He will be the one to unlock her purpose and calling.

I'm slowly realizing that even though she's different, God can use her differences as a testimony of His goodness. That even though she's different, God can use her to be a world-changer. That maybe BECAUSE of her differences, she will make a bigger impact than I could ever imagine.

My heart is full thinking about her life and all the dreams I have for her, but in the meantime, I wait. I pray. I trust that Gods plan is much better than my own, and I continually give her over to Jesus.

Even as I write this I can't help but smile knowing that, in spite of her appearance and medical diagnoses, she is so loved already. She has already found a place so deep in our hearts and in our family. She has already woven herself into the role of daughter, even from around the world.

So my sweet Olivia, may you always know how beautiful you are. May you always feel the love and acceptance of God and your family. May you always grow from trials. May you embrace your differences and use them to impact lives.

Thank you friends for following along with us on this journey. We covet your prayers and encouragement.

Outnumbered

I'm sure many of you are thinking, I can't believe they are adopting again...yet here we are beginning adoption #3, and we couldn't be happier. Things have progressed very quickly, and while Paul and I had talked and laid out plans for this year, God quickly changed that around (yet again!), and we have set our sites on China.

In the Fall of last year, we were very certain we would try to get pregnant this year. Everything made logical sense, yet I still didn't feel completely settled going this route. Earlier last year we had discussed the possibility of our next adoption and what that would look like. After a good amount of research, we narrowed down what countries and agencies we were comfortable working with, and I subscribed to many waiting child lists. Every week I would get an email sent to my inbox with a list of waiting children who were available for adoption based on our demographics and needs. Every week I looked over them and prayed, but nothing was strong enough to make us take action. But then in December, the same e-mailed I got every week, showed the picture of a little girl...and for the first time we felt a tug on our hearts. We requested her file from the agency on December 28, and while things should have felt scary, we both felt peace right off the bat. Over the next couple weeks, we asked lots of questions, prayed and talked through every scenario, but things continually just felt right. On January 4 we put her file on a 2-week hold to help give us time to make a decision. During this time, we met with many doctors to discuss her medical needs, and also asked God to give us clear signs if we were supposed to move forward with her adoption. God definitely came through, and things were confirmed for us in 3 very specific ways. Even though our talks with the doctors should have made us run the other direction, we continued to feel capable to love this little one through her needs, and answer the call to give her a family. Only with Jesus, friends.

After our 2 week hold, we only felt a stronger connection to our little girl, and we officially said YES on January 18. We also submitted our first round of paperwork the same day for the agency to look over. They approved us 2 days later and sent our paperwork to China on January 20 for pre-approval. As a complete 180 from our Uganda process, China sent us our pre-approval paperwork on Thursday, January 26...only 4 days after we submitted...which means we can officially move forward with her adoption! YAY!

At this stage of the game we have submitted our home study paperwork and are beginning the initial stages of our social work visits. I am also simultaneously working on our dossier paperwork, which we will submit after our home study is complete. So in the waiting and never-ending paperwork, we pray over her life and her healing.

We will be naming our sweet girl, Olivia, which is a name that has been meaningful to me for quite some time. She is 17 months old, and will turn 2 in September! When we see her picture we can't help but smile, and she has already stolen our hearts in more ways than one. Olivia has been diagnosed with 2 possible syndromes. The first is Sturge-Weber syndrome (3 different types) which includes a port-wine stain on the face, glaucoma, and a possibility of neurological symptoms including weakness on one side of the body and seizures. We know she has the port-wine stain and glaucoma in her left eye, however she has no neurological involvement at this time. Every doctor we spoke with here in the states has said it can only be a confirmed diagnosis with an MRI of the brain, which she has not received. So at this time we have requested that one be performed (if possible!) to try to get a better picture of what this could look like down the road. 

The other diagnosis she could potentially have is called PPV (phakomatosis pigmentovascularis). This is characterized by a bluish hue on the skin and could be accompanied by glaucoma, skeletal abnormalities and neurological involvement. Both diagnoses are rare, but since they have some overlapping features it's hard to know if she has both or one vs. the other. She does have the blue hue on her upper body, but we have also requested some full body pictures to see the extent of the staining. While we know this will be a long road, medically speaking, we are trusting God every step of the way, and we know He won't let us down. We have clearly been called to adopt, and despite our yearly plans of what we think our lives should look like, God continues to uproot our belief system, only to push us closer to Him and His plan for our lives. While we don't have the financial means or full capacity for what this will look like 9 months from now, we are working hard to simply say yes to God and know that He will work out the details as we go.

So without further ado, here is our sweet daughter, Olivia. 

(Please do not share anywhere on social media!)

She has already captured our hearts in more ways than we can describe, and our love is only growing with each passing day. It's crazy how you can love a child you've never met who lives all the way across the world, but oh how we do. Our boys are definitely struggling to wrap their heads around this new change, but they are slowly understanding what it will mean to be a big brother. 

We are SO excited for our family to once again grow through adoption, and we know without a doubt, that this is what we are meant to do. Paul and I are a bit nervous to be outnumbered by our kids, but I guess that's what keeps life exciting :)

Thank you all for journeying with us once again. We hope to travel as early as September, but were told it could be as late as December or January. We will keep you posted on our timeline as we hear back. We can't wait to bring her home and embrace the title of Stevens Party of Five!

Hugs,

Regression Roundup

Oh goodness, where to begin? I guess I should apologize for the HUGE gap in posts (again...deja vu, right?). I feel bad in the fact that you were missing real time updates in the growing process of our boys, but I also reminded myself that we went through some tough times that required a lot of grace and hibernation on our part. So here we are now, 8 months since our last post, about to embark on our next adoption, and I figured I should give you a brief update before launching into the craziness that is adoption #3.

In June, we were just getting settled into a routine and finding more intentional ways to be a family. Life was adjusting well and despite the emotions, it was becoming more natural to be parents to our boys. Then July happened...

From July to mid-November our boys went into a huge season of regression. I'm not gonna lie, we were struggling. There were too many tantrums a day to count, lots of peeing and pooping their pants again, lots of tears, lots of defiance and no sleep to be had for anyone. Looking back I was fighting for each day and working hard to find the joy and excitement in the little things. We could not have made it through without the help of Paul's parents and the few amazing friends who volunteered to watch our boys...even for an hour...so I could nap, exercise or simply leave the house for a mental break. We can't thank you enough!!!!!

Then just before Thanksgiving, everything changed. They just snapped out of it and became the happy, sweet, kind boys we knew we're under there somewhere. It was heavenly.

Since then life has become so much more "normal". We've been able to ACTUALLY get into a family routine, and set boundaries that we feel comfortable with. The boys continue to adjust to new things each week, and while there is still a lot of emotion in it all, the days aren't as intense as they once were. Praise Jesus. They are currently in pre-school 5 days a week, with Jordan only staying half days. The weeks are still littered with doctors appointments, multiple therapies and educational classes, but the progress has been exponential, so we continue on.

Sebastian has become quite the personality with more friends than he knows what to do with! He loves to be with people and knows everyone's life story as soon as he meets them. He has also become quite a car guru, and knows the make and model of almost every car on the road. It's impressive. He has excelled in school on every front and we couldn't be more proud of his hard work. He still has a lot of difficulty sleeping which makes for long nights and often long days. After trying every conservative option in the book, we are pursuing a medical perspective. You can continue to believe with us that this gets resolved...for him and for us! We are asking God to give us answers on what the next steps are for him.

Jordan continues to keep us on our toes and melt our hearts with equal measure. He has come such a long way from the scared, non-verbal little boy we once met, but he still has a lot of healing to do. He's been making such great progress in his language and school skills, and we've had many teary moments due to the amount of pride in his successes. He had 3 surgeries last year, and more doctors appointments than I can count, but he continues to heal physically and emotionally with God's help. Little by little we're seeing him become his own person, and it's been incredible to watch his personality come alive.

Paul is still at UVA and it's been such a wonderful change in our family life. He is able to take the boys to school in the mornings and is home every night at a normal time. Also, the flexibility in his schedule to help with surgery days, sick days and just days when we're all needing a little more love has been incredible. I feel extremely blessed at God's timing in that situation and our family has benefitted in such a huge way. The boys need their daddy around and he truly kicks butt at being their rock and protector. I can't imagine doing this life with anyone but him.

As for me, I'm working 20 hours a week at ACAC, as well as doing some Pilates teaching and nutritional coaching. I've really been working on my self-development this year and trying to find things that not only bring me joy, but that allow me to serve others. I've been very intentional with my time and have created new normals for myself to allow more time with God and more time with my boys. It's not always easy and most of the time I'm sleep deprived, but oh how I've been able to recognize the immense blessings in my life. God is good and faithful and we've seen this through every part of this adoption process.

Thank you for partnering with us through this journey, and we look forward to adding to the love, stories, memories, and crazy with our daughter! Check out our next post to hear more details on her adoption!

Love yous!!